Shift in the Relationship?

Mr. Big and I have come a long way in the near 3 years we have been having an affair. From not knowing where I stood with him in the beginning, or what I brought to the relationship, to now knowing he loves me very much, even if he chooses not to say it. For many months, I was afraid he’d cut it off. He threatened many times, warning me if I didn’t date locally, he’d end it. He metered out affection, like a drip from a tap as he tried to deny his feelings for me. Nevertheless, we steadily developed a relationship, fostered through email, based on one initial brief connection during a business trip, and a weak moment. We caught each other are at a rare, vulnerable time. What are those odds or are there no coincidences in life? I wonder what Shakespeare would say?

I swear on my children’s lives, I did not know, expect, or IMAGINE SUCH a THING would occur, but it does make for a fun joke between us: Why did I go out to my car with him shortly after meeting him that first night? Good God, I was naïve!! I had no idea he would have my panties off in 5 minutes and we would be naked till sunrise. So embarrassing! Shameless! In retrospect, my naiveté must have been charming, or amusing at the least for him.

Mr. Big has helped me over my inhibitions, allowed me to experiment with my new-found sensuality in a safe, accepting environment. If my first affair had not been with him, I might not have blossomed as I have, after a 25 year faithful marriage which was restricting and non-imaginative. I might have permanently retreated emotionally, burying my sexuality forever… certainly not searching the internet for crotchless fish net stockings!

He has taught me to trust and believe in myself and helped me to see myself as others see me. In a text between us, he wrote,

“Self deprecating as you occasionally get, You did captivate me!!”

“Am I better now? Now I have to be careful I don’t get too cocky!”

There has been a subtle shift in our relationship. I see now that I will have to be the one to end this affair. The confidence is intoxicating and the paradox is that he gave it to me and I will need to use it to leave him.